10. The D-Day!

My wife got admitted on the night of 4th October when we went for a regular checkup, ten days before the due date. We stayed overnight in the delivery suite. Next day morning our parents joined us.

She was having strong contractions. The doctor ordered us to take a seat in the sofa, and closed the curtains. I wonder why in India they still don’t allow the husband to be with his wife during normal delivery.

As we waited tensions were rising. I could hear the doctor shout, “Don’t push yet, take deep breath” a couple of times. After few minutes I heard them again. This time they shouted, “Push! Push! Push!”… Then there was silence. Then again “Push! Push! Push!”… and again silence. “Push! Push! Push!”…silence….“Push! Push! Push!”…silence….“Push! Push! Push!”… and then we heard the baby cry! I could see tears rolling down the cheeks of both our moms. My eyes? They were dry, so was my throat. She chose the auspicious day of Navami to come out!

Mommy was doing well. She is a girl who doesn't take a single moment to cry while watching movies, or because she unknowingly hurt someone. She is also a girl who went through the entire labor without shedding a single drop of tear. I overheard one of the Bengali aaya saying to another one from Madras with pride, "See? Have you ever seen anyone not shouting, crying, and making a scene while normal delivery? That is a Bengali girl! We are strong."

We are Indians, we love our state boundaries more than our country boundary. I whispered in my mind, she is strong not because she was born in a particular corner of India, but because she is SHE. Many times have her courage inspired me, and this was one such occasion. 

They showed us the baby. It was a princess…and she looked so cute…and then they took her away to the nursery. Guess we have to wait a bit longer.

She was an active baby weighing 2.94kgs with APGAR (five-point score of baby’s health) score of 9/10 within first 1min. Baby was also doing well.

This was the first day of the rest of her life.

We moved to our booked room. After a couple of hours my wife was transferred to the room, and after few more long hours, Hridhima. All of us were together, our family looked complete. There was another girl born few rooms from us. Apart from that there were 8 boys born on that day. I wondered why the sex ratio was so skewed. What happened to the other six girls who were never born? But it was not the right time to think about that, it was time to enjoy with our family.

Since everything went smoothly, my wife was discharged the next day. 

But then we had our first scare. Within 48hours Hridhima was admitted to the nursery again with jaundice. It was minor and we learnt that it is very common in babies. 

Bilirubin is a yellow substance produced by the body when red blood cells break down. It passes through the liver and is then excreted from the body. Before the baby is born, mom’s liver does the job of removing the bilirubin through the placenta. Once the baby is born and the placenta is disconnected, baby’s liver must take over. The handover takes couple of days. So, the first few days the bilirubin may spike up and baby turn yellow. Nothing to worry about, we are told. 24 hours of photo-treatment and she was back to her active healthy state. 

I had another interesting observation that day. Not a single delivery happened on that day as all rooms were empty. Puja was over; everyone chose an auspicious time to have their child, so what if it was not normal delivery? That’s India. But again, not the right time to think about it, Hridhima was healthy, and we were happy!

09. As D-Day Approaches

They say ‘mard ko dard nahi hota’ (men does not feel pain) with pride. But they forget, aurat ko dard hota hai tab hi jaa ke maard payda hota hai! It’s through the pain of a woman that men are born. Pain is not something to be ashamed of.

Some people says that women forget the pain of labor, had they remembered they would have never wanted to be pregnant again. The researchers have underestimated mothers. If that was true, they would have fainted during labor itself. In fact, I have heard many men fainting just watching their wives. Truth is, men not only feel the pain, but are afraid as well, especially so, in the last few months. It is normal for both of you to worry about the final delivery. This too shall pass!

Human childbirth is so weird that it almost defies evolution. Pain is an evolutionary warning to avoid life-threatening things. Why than is give giving childbirth painful in humans? In fact the saying that women forget the pain of labor is not entirely true. It may be true for mothers who has mild pain during childbirth, but definitely not for those who went through the trauma of painful birth. Human childbirth is not only painful, but also very risky for both mother and baby. It is a compromise evolution made to help us stand on our feet.

Becoming upright made us weak, slow, and poor tree climbers. The pain you may have in your back from the long office hours, you can thank bipedalism for it. In this new arrangement, the pelvis had to bear our full weight when we stand. So, it needed a small alteration that gave the pelvis of bipedallers a unique shape. The load on the pelvis reshaped the legs in a way that females now have a narrower birth canal, not convenient for delivering babies. Evolution had to trade-off between the advantages of bipedalism versus the risks of giving birth.

The narrow birth canal meant that the baby had to come out before its head was fully-grown. Homo sapiens babies are born with a brain size of less than 30% of adults. That makes our kids more immature at birth than the newborns of any other species. Adolf Portmann dubbed this as “secondary altriciality”, and Ashley Montagu calls it “exterogestate fetuses”. It takes at least a full year for a newborn Homo sapien baby to reach the mental level of a newborn great ape. That’s a lot of time being vulnerable in a wild world.

But, at the end, it all works out. Thankfully, we don’t live in the wild anymore.

One thing that made us really worried was baby’s movement. 22weeks passed and we could not feel her move. Then on the 23th week she told me that she felt something in her stomach. Is it gas, or is she moving? She was sure it was our baby. I still could not feel her, but she did.

Few weeks later I felt her for the first time. Those jerks and kicks grew stronger as weeks passed, and then we could actually see her move! She was probably dancing to the beat ‘I like to move it move it!’ We talked to her, sang her songs. Isn’t it amazing that she could actually hear us?

The last few months can be tiring. The baby grows rapidly creating stretch marks in mommy’s tummy. Don’t be afraid when you look at your wife’s tummy, be happy for the fact that your baby is growing well. Some of her pregnancy symptoms return in the last trimester. She might be having back aches as well. This is your excuse to touch your wife, give her a gently message. Easy way to add some points to your kitty. Remember, happy wife means happy life!

MRI scans have shown that mothers brain shrinks by 5% in the third trimester. While we focus on the changes in mother’s body, it is the brain that changes the most. The loss of grey matter is not a cause of concern, barring memory loss, occasional mood swings, sleep issues during pregnancy. But they are temporary. Things gets better after pregnancy and the grey matter is regained. This is an extra phase of brain development that males miss. Mother’s brain gets totally rewired post pregnancy and grows in areas related to childcare. This helps mothers understand kids expressions and needs better.

Technology has advanced a lot. We went for the third trimester Doppler USG. That’s when we saw her face for the first time. That face finally looks like a human being. She is no alien. Now it was the long wait for the day we were actually going to hold her.

08. Name Game!

One of my friends once asked me if I want a boy or a girl. 

I said, “A girl.”

She inquired, “Why?” 

Obviously, I had a selfish reason, “Girls are daddy’s girls!” 

But over time that feeling changed. Many people came and blessed my wife saying that she is going to have a boy. Some even went to the extent of predicting a boy from the shape of her tummy. As if pregnancy was an exam and its success and failure depend on the sex of the newborn. 

It made rebel in both of us feel like we desperately need a girl. We realized that we were making a mistake, but it was a feeling that we could not get rid of. We were lucky that we had a little princess as we desired, but what if it was a boy? In our stupid desire to prove the society wrong, could we have given him justice? Our prejudice against a boy was no different from the one society, in general, has against a girl.

Lesson learnt: never try to predict the sex of the baby, you are lucky either way.

Our prejudice was so strong that we had chosen only one name, and that was a name of a girl. Considering the long list of criteria’s we had, it wasn’t an easy task. We made a list of our criteria’s and then goggled. From Indian to Egyptian, we searched all possible names and ended up with one – Hridhima.

Here goes our long list of criteria.

-        The name should start with ‘H’. All the names of babies in our family starts with ‘S’, my moms initial. It was as per my father’s wish. So, my wife wanted our child’s name to start with my dad’s initial instead.

-         We wanted it to be something that is not Bong-ish, we wanted our baby to have a name that is more Indian than a name that is state specific.

-         We wanted the name to be secular, not associated with any particular religion, like a god’s name.

-         We did not want it to be anything that is materialistic, like money, wealth, power, etc.

-         We did not want it to be a name that is easily mispronounced.

-         Obviously, we wanted it to sound good.

-         We preferred something related to happiness, smile, love or peace.

Well, never told you that it's an easy job.

After a lot of search and research we finally came up with Hridhima. ‘Hridhaya’ means heart and ‘ma’ means loving. It may not be an exact word in Sanskrit, but Hridhima, to us, meant a loving heart. And that’s what our sweetheart is called.

07. Sympathy Pain?

If you think it is only the women who suffers the pains of pregnancy, think again. Recent studies have shown that men also suffer pregnancy symptoms with their partner. From cramps to morning sickness, to food carvings, to gaining weight, to mood swings, to contractions, they have it all. In fact, some men are reported to have a swollen stomach as well. Don’t believe me? Google Couvade syndrome. 

The true cause is still debatable, but one thing is confirmed by the research, sympathy pains are for real.

I find the term funny because it is not supposed to be due to sympathy. As per research men aren’t seeking attention, rather this strange behavior is completely involuntary. At the same time none of the symptoms are associated with pain. 

Couvade Syndrome is the more scientific term. Some researchers have tried to explain it with mirror neurons that makes you cry when you see someone else cry or laugh for that matter. It is the same neuron that makes you mirror your wife’s pregnancy.

A particular gentleman claimed to have sympathy pain even before his wife realized that she was pregnant. Scientists have explanations for that too. He probably smelled the pregnancy hormones that triggered the sympathy pain. Millions of years of evolutionary memory fools a man to believe he is pregnant! Who knows. 

That’s for the research part; the question you guys are probably having now is, “Did it happen to you?”

Well, there is no simple answer, maybe, maybe not.

I did gain some weight during the nine months, and I lost some since Hridhima was born. But I have been gaining weight for the past 4yrs, and the new schedule of changing nappies is supposed to make me lose some! So, does that count?

Occasionally I also felt like puking when I climbed up or down the stairs. That happened only few times and I don’t know if that counts as well. But none of my symptoms were as dramatic as the ones mentioned in some of the research. My conclusion is, even though there is some truth element to it, the whole concept of sympathy pains might be a bit overhyped. But then, there are stranger things in this world.

06. She is Back!

Once the first three months were over, she felt a lot better. She was back to herself. We planned a short vacation to lazy Kasauli, our first trip with Hridhima. Next 6 months passed smoothly without any trouble. We didn't even realize how fast the time passed. 

No matter what people say, don’t worry, travelling does not harm the baby, nor does sex. Unless there are some other complications and doctor recommended extra caution.

Your wife is back, and the next three months are the best months during pregnancy. It is time for both of you to slow down and enjoy the phase. Spend time together, help each other, read her books she likes and listen to music.

Sex is back in your life. Yes, women have a slightly bigger tummy by now, but they also has bigger boobs! Unfortunately, they come with a touch-me-not sign. They are big alright, but painful as well. Be careful, you would not really want to hurt her, would you?

It is time to pamper your wife, but make sure you don’t overdo the pampering. She will know how much food she needs, leave it to her. Don’t let anyone force her to eat more than she requires. Else you will end up with a wife more than you have bargained for. She only requires 2600calorie/day, just 400calorie/day more than normal.

Remember to attend ante-natal classes together. Make sure that she is active. The more active one is the easier will be the delivery.

Only 500ml blood is lost during normal delivery (NDV) compared to 1000ml during cesarean. NDV is much less traumatic for mother. That’s why WHO recommends 3:1 ratio for NVD. Unfortunately, ratio in India is reversed. So, if you love your wife and want a less painful NDV, let her be active. She is pregnant and not a patient, she can lead a perfectly normal life if only people let her be.

We went for another USG, and this time we could see her limbs, see her heart pump, and a faint outline of her head. She still looks like an alien, but a more recognizable one. That was a wow moment!

Human fetus development is a complex and highly orchestrated process. The formation of the gut and organ systems is crucial for the fetus's growth and survival. Understanding these stages provides valuable insights into human embryology and the importance of proper fetal development.

- Week 3-4: Germ disc folding and gut formation

- Week 4-8: Foregut development

- Week 8-12: Midgut development

- Week 12-16: Hindgut development

- Week 4-16: Organ rotation and positioning

- Week 6-10: Gut herniation and rotation

- Week 6-8: Cloacal separation

- Week 4-8: Mouth and anus formation

The one that is marked is her hand!

05. That Bitch*

She was pregnant again and we knew that the first 3 months are going to be the toughest. But, this time, we were ready.

I learned new lingos like LMP (pregnancy's gestational age and expected delivery date is calculated from the first day of last menstrual period) and trimesters (the nine months of pregnancy is divided into three trimesters, each lasting 3 months or about lucky 13 weeks), I learned to count weeks instead of months, and I made sure I attend all the doctor appointments with her and even saved appointment reminders in my phone. I thought I was well prepared until she asked me a simple question, ‘Do I look FAT?’ 

No matter how much you try, you are never prepared enough for the first trimester (from LMP to 13 weeks). Had I said, “You are pregnant, you are supposed to look fat. Don’t worry, this too shall pass”, all she would have heard was “you are supposed to look fat”. You are doomed for the night. Instead, I said, “No honey, you still look sexy”. She was not happy either as she knew she was getting fat.

The hormones are playing haywire with her emotions, at the same time she is changing physically into something she thinks is unattractive. Every woman reacts to it in a different way. The symptoms of pregnancy like morning sickness, carvings, fatigue, and frequent urination are adding to the woes.

At the same time she is worried about the life that is growing inside her. In fact she might not even enjoy sex at this stage.  After all it is she who is going through all this and not you, she deserves to be a bitch*.

As a husband it is time for you to be responsible, responsible even for all the mistakes she had committed. Yes, take the blame. Remember 'I love you' and 'sorry', forget 'ego', it will make everything easy.

We discussed about the mood swings and all the symptoms of first trimester beforehand. Yes, there were times when she cried, times when she talked a lot, times when she was very happy, times when she was very worried, but she still she managed to be sane through those first three months. A bit of knowledge and understanding always helps. 

We saw Hridhima in USG for the first time on 4th March, 2011. She looked like nothing recognizable, but still we were so happy to see her. She was growing perfectly. Around the 8th week we heard her heartbeat for the first time...that was recognizable.  What we felt at that moment is inexpressible. It was the beginning of an incredible journey.

* Dogs are wonderful creatures...We are all equals...if you think 'bitch' is an abuse then you are abusing one of natures sweetest creations...FYI

04. Coping with the Loss

We fell in love in 2004, got married in 2007. Three years later, in 2010, we decided to take our relationship one step ahead. She was pregnant and it was twin pregnancy. Everything was normal till the 8th week. The USG revealed that the embryo was not growing. The doctor recommended an abortion next day. We were heartbroken.

It was a sad event, but we came out of it more mature. An event like these brings couples together. It is common for couples to feel guilty when a miscarriage happens, “Did we do something wrong?”. But the truth is, no one is responsible. It is a natural loss of pregnancy.

We later realized that early pregnancy loss, also called spontaneous abortion, is very common. Around 15-20% of all pregnancies are failed one, and it increases with the age of mother. There can be 1000s of reasons for it. The most common reason is chromosomal abnormalities. But since these things are well kept secret in our society, we hardly get to know about them.

What happens, happens for good. Nature is not perfect; failed pregnancy is nature’s way of eliminating its defective creation. Natures know best. The more we openly talk about it the lesser stressful it is for aspiring parents. That is the reason I wanted to pen it down.

One reason we got over it very quickly was because only we two were there to handle it. Too many sympathizers can keep reminding you of the loss.

Everyone has their own way to deal with grief. We went for a vacation couple of weeks later and came back totally refreshed. You must find yours.

We decided to wait few months before trying again. But it was a lesson for us, and we were better prepared next time. We went for pre-conception counseling that we did not do earlier. And now, a year later, we are enjoying our new status.

03. The Breaking News!

February 2011, she told me that she has missed her periods, and she felt as if something was different. We went to our doctor on 16th. She broke the news and congratulated us. We can’t tell how happy we were. Our life has already changed.

One day, when you are least expecting, you wife is going to break the news you two have been waiting for so long. The blue lines are going to change your life forever.

Your wife has been cautious every moment looking for signs; she has been looking forward to missing her periods. Every single sign had made her happy, and every period had made her sad. Now, when her pregnancy test is positive, she is bound to be over the moon. It is a feeling we men will never understand, but we can at least appreciate it. We are happy and we express our feelings in our own way.

We (men) have been comfortable in our life so far; now that our life is going to change, we are supposed to be a bit nervous. Thoughts like - if your baby is going to be healthy, if you are going to be a good dad, will you have enough money, is your wife going to change, what about all the parties and night outs, and what about sex - might make you crazy. Don’t worry, you are not being abnormal, you are just being a man.

Worrying about your baby’s health, being concern about being a good father, only means that you love your baby.

Yes, your wife is going to become crazy and fat, but don’t worry you will get her, and your sex, back. Your testosterones might be on the lower side. But that’s OK. We are serial monogamist and lower T tames us to become better father.

Remember the hormones are playing haywire with moms’ emotions. It is she who is carrying the baby for 9months, and all the pains associated with it. At the end it is she who has to push that big thing out of a small hole. You are lucky¯ that you are not pregnant, respect that. You will slowly settle down and realize that your life is going to change for good…ours did.

The next nine months were amazing, we heard her heartbeat for the first time, we felt her move for the first time, and we saw her face during USG for the first time. We felt like we were in love with each other all over again.

02. In The Beginning…

Sometimes you want a baby, but nothing seems to happen for months. Don’t panic, it will happen. You have to remember three key things: Sex, sex, and more sex. A time will come when a smart sperm (or two) will hit the target at the right time. Till then enjoy sex without the rubber!

Sometimes you don’t want a baby, but it happens. Don’t panic, because you won’t regret it when you hear the heartbeat of the life you created.

Keep it simple and do not think about the baby.

Remember the quote from Geeta, “You have control over your duty only, but no control or claim over the results. The result should not be your motive. You should never be inactive. Do your duty to the best of your ability, abandoning the worry and selfish attachment to the results, and remain calm in both success and failure.” 

Replace ‘the results’ with ‘having baby’ and ‘your duty’ with ‘sex’.

Before I end here are few tips we followed, especially for the mom:

·      It is a good idea to visit a gynecologist for preconception counseling…it helps.

·      Get your thyroid and glucose level to normal before conception.

·      Doctor might recommend folic acid tablets.

·      Control your diet; include lots of fruits and fibers.

·      Exercise… go for an evening couple walk.

·      Sexercise…don’t forget to have sex on the right day of the cycle, as many times as you want.

·      Have a free relaxed mind and enjoy the sex.

·      Make sure that she has orgasm too. I don’t know if it helps, but it is fun for sure.

Before the baby is born, it is marinated in an amniotic fluid filled with mothers’ hormones/neurotransmitters for nine months. Studies have shown that the development of baby’s brains depend on those hormones. Baby’s future heavily depends on the pre-natal environment that controls mothers’ moods, and thus her hormones. Decades later, how the mother felt during pregnancy, will guide the decisions your kid will make as an adult, her success, her health and may be even how early she dies.

Before you decide to have a baby, make sure that you to are in the right environment.

01. Evolving Daddy

Hey there! Welcome to Evolving Daddy. If you happen to be a new, aspiring, or even an old dad, join me on the journey and let’s evolve together. If you are someone else, does not matter, join us, and have some fun too… at our expense.

One of the most underrated movies I’ve ever watched is The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human. I love it not just for the electrifying Electrica, but for its sarcasm and humor. This hilarious mockumentary delves into the bizarre mating habits of our species.

At the beginning of the movie, the narrator, likely an alien anthropologist, says:

“Of all the creatures in the universe, none possess a mating ritual as complex, as perverse, as tragically beautiful as the earthbound human. More passionate than the Orktamus of Centali Five, more neurotic than the Sleekanda of Sleewa, it is a wonder that these furry creatures have not gone extinct millennia ago. But despite their self-inflicted paradox, their numbers grow at a rapid pace, over-consuming their tiny planet. For it is from these creatures that we have acquired the universal expression ‘f*** like people.’”

“With a mating ritual so complex and intricate that their mere survival defies all logic, one can only feel for them a sense of respect and admiration. So let’s not blow up their planet after all.”

We are a serially monogamous species. We fall in love more deeply than most species because our survival depends on it. However, as a cultural species, there is often an evolution-defying gap between falling in love and having a baby. Yet, here we are.

We will start from the beginning, long before our daughter Hridhima was born. A time when she was just an idea. Yeah right, the very beginning… the dreaded three letter taboo word – SEX.

For men sex is always FUN, right? Wrong. The time you take the decision to take your relationship one step ahead, sex is not about having fun, it is about having…BABIES.

There will be changes in your life- good and bad.

No more do you need to remember the special dates, like the first time you had some silly ice-cream together, to have good sex. Instead, now you must remember the right day in her monthly cycle. No more will your sex performance be rated by your ability to make her have orgasm, but by your ability to get those blue lines on the pregnancy test. 

And once you are successful in your objective, it will be all about the mother. You, the poor daddy, will hardly be noticed the next nine months by people other than your now unpredictable wife, whose mood swings will keep confusing you. Your inability to do anything but helplessly watch the pain of the one you love, during the labor, will make you feel miserable. And then when all that is over, will come the time of sleepless nights and nappy changes. Welcome to the world of fatherhood, and believe me, life can’t get better.

'Evolving Daddy' is about the evolution of a father, it is about the things I learn from my kid. It is about those nine months and beyond. I am not a doctor, so do not expect any technical advice. It is about what I am learning from our experience through parenthood.

To be honest, this is not written for you, but for me. I chose to write this blog to journal my experience. A decade from now many of what I write would be erased from my memory. But then, evolving daddy-my external memory journal, will have me covered. And may be some day Hridhima would read it. What would her future self feel about all this?

We have been through those nine months, and it has been the best nine months in our life so far. It has not only been only about her, but about us. We have been together through these nine months and will be together through the rest of our life.

We are a social species. We are programmed to fall in love with our partners, and our kids. The Oxytocin our body generates enhances the parent-child bond. Along with vasopressin, it creates bonds of love between males and females. Unlike solitary species, for social species like us, we spend time together to raise our kids.

No matter what the society try to make you believe, fathers do have active role to play even while mamma is pregnant. Do not shy away, because these moments won’t come back. There is more to men then just sex and booze.