I am writing in this blog after more than 11 years. Life has moved on, and Hridhima has grown up.
If you are here for the first time, you might want to start from the beginning: Chapter 1
A few days back, we had an interesting discussion with our daughter. She wanted to change the education system because it’s focused on mugging up topics, half of which the kids forget just one hour after they come out of the exam hall. She wanted education to be more experiential. Students should be exposed to a core foundation (reading, writing, math, and science basics) but also allowed more freedom to choose subjects or projects that spark curiosity.
Science should be made relatable with examples from everyday life so that students can connect to it instead of seeing it as an exotic topic meant for geeks. The modern school curriculum forces students to remember names and formulas, and is tailored for jobs in the current era. Instead, it should focus on holistic development that teaches skills, like respect, empathy, cleanliness, leadership, creativity, and inquisitiveness, that are useful in any era.
There are practical barriers to how much and how fast we can change the system. But she was right, it needs a change. And some change comes directly from the parents. That got me thinking, and hence this post.
My dad wanted me to be a doctor. He wanted me to sit in the Engineering (Joint Entrance Examination -JEE) and Medical entrance exams. But I was always a rebel. I never wanted to be an engineer or a doctor. For that, I have to thank my parents, who allowed me to be a rebel. I eventually went to IIT for a master’s degree (not JEE) in Earth Sciences. That’s when I realised that I had made a good decision. This whole rat race for the cream and cherry of the cake was not for me.
It is natural for parents to be concerned about their kids' future, but the concern is slightly misplaced. Parents are afraid that if the child does not come out on top, they will struggle in later life. But in the real world, school toppers hardly change the world. Statistics don’t favour toppers when it comes to high-tier jobs, and a professional career is where most of them end up eventually. That’s probably because one of the weakest skills of toppers is teamwork. Backbenchers, who often team up for mischief, are actually better at that.
Because of this misplaced concern and viewing the world as competitive and a place where only achievers are successful, parents end up putting immense pressure on kids. They send their children for private tuition, early education, and even IIT coaching from as early as class 5.
Studies show that in India, or other developing countries, there is no correlation between early education and performance. In fact, what correlates well with good performance is parents' education. The higher education the parents have, the better the performance of the kids. Also, the family’s financial background does matter. That basically determines how the kid is groomed at home. Of course, students may benefit from extra tuition if parents do not have the necessary skills and if the teachers in the school are not good enough. But it is not a blanket truth and does not apply to most city dwellers.
Expensive schools also DO NOT mean better performance. What matters is the quality of teachers. There are many institutes that only hand-pick the best students. The good results coming from these schools only reflect the students they chose and nothing about the institute itself. I can say the same for IITs too.
All this excessive pressure has a bad influence on kids’ mental health. Studies done on Indian students found that teenagers from affluent families, doing well in studies, often struggle with overwhelming expectations to excel in academics, sports, and other extracurricular activities. Even though they have everything they need, they are still drowning under pressure. The cause of this paradoxical phenomenon is the “achiever mindset” promoted by parents. This is why depression and even suicide is rising amongst kids at an alarming rate.
The kids in the cities are growing up without any needs or challenges. They have easy access to everything from the best schools to the newest gadgets to high-speed, round-the-clock internet. What they are struggling with is finding the right purpose. On top of that, social media raises their expectation of success by showing perfect bodies, perfect vacations, perfect achievements, and perfect lives. Imperfections are outcasts on social media, where self-worth is measured in the number of likes. In fact, I once heard a class two student not inviting her friends to her home because she thinks her curtains are cheap. That's the kind of competition we are teaching our kids. Their quality of friendship now depends on how lavish their birthday parties are and what they give back as return gifts.
You will see parents boasting about their kids’ performance on social media, highlighting their medals and certificates, putting more pressure on the kids to keep achieving. And when they fail, and everyone fails at some point in life, they just cannot handle the loss because the achievement culture also brings shame, anxiety, and fear.
“What will my parents think of me?”
“Will I still have friends?”
“Maybe my crush will laugh behind my back.”
“I am such a loser.”
Parents also get into the competition and pass on their anxieties to their kids.
"My friends’ children are achieving so much. How can I socialise if my daughter achieves nothing?"
This leads to constant surveillance and overscheduling, and giving strength to the idea that there is no room for mistakes or rest, pressuring teens to always be “on top”.
Hridhima never went for private tuition. We helped her with her studies in the beginning. But as she grew, she started to study all by herself. She comes to us whenever she needs help. We don't want her to be the topper. Her only competition is with herself. We don’t know where she will end up in life, but for now she is where she needs to be - a teenager, being a teenager.
All I can tell the parents is to take a deep breath and calm down.
Allow the kids to be kids. Don’t snatch their childhood for your social recognition.
It's time we change the meaning of success from achieving to inquisitiveness, the urge to know the truth. Let them find a purpose. Allow them to fail, independently solve problems, and make social connections. While grades and certificates are important, happiness, mental health, and holistic growth are what will ultimately determine your child’s future.
